Happy Post Valentines Day!

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toy

We went out on a date the other night with a couple. Now, we knew going in that this was not going anywhere. My St/Vk and the husband had clarified that before hand through multiple text messages. They were looking for a pure swinging sexual friendship and wanted a bisexual woman. Nothing more. Cool. We were very clear going in and remained that way.

They described what they were looking for and their experiences they had in their non monogamous marriage. Once again, cool. No surprises. I had uncharacteristically had a big drink before we met with them. It was St. Patrick’s Day and I had to do an Irish Car Bomb with my son in law to celebrate. So, I was feeling a little more animated than usual and much more sassy. yikes.

The conversation came up that this couple only saw other couples as “toys’ in their sex life. I almost choked on my calamari. He wasn’t even smooth enough to refer to other couples he gestured towards us and that we would only be “toys” in their sex life. I more than bristled. I was heated sharp like a razor. Now, I am not sure if this pissed me off because I was now on drink number two of the night or I was just offended plain and simple.

I am nobody’s fuck toy. Not no how. Not no way.

My mood an tone changed and I became slightly snotty and sarcastic in my tones and replies to the small talk that was going on between the four of us.

Then it got worse. We talked about what has worked for us and what we were looking for in a relationship with another couple. They both vehemently said that would not work for them. Once again, duh, the boys made that perfectly clear when they talked before. They talked about how they would not like to have cross pollination, (where boys talk to girls in couples that date) and they were too possessive to go there. I replied that it’s not for everyone and that what people want is as individual as a finger print. But, I had this overwhelming feeling that they were judging us and what we wanted. Weird. Even more weird is the judgment was being reciprocated by me. I could feel it growing in me and it felt awful. My four life guiding agreements were no where to be found.

Then the husband said that his wife was his most prized “possession” and he only would share her sexually, but not emotionally. My St/Vk replied that I was his most valued “possession” also. I became silent. Nostrils flaring. I looked at my St/Vk and he knew we had better get out of there quick before I exploded and made a scene.

We said our polite goodbyes and when I was safely in the car, I wanted to let it all rip. However, all I had to say was:

“TOY?”

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Enough said~
Much love, as always~
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox
A/s

Crushin!

So, I am crushin.

Just a tiny little crush, but it feels like a big deal since it has been a while since I was crushed on someone like this. I seriously doubt that anything will come of this crush. But the energy that it moves in me is light, fun and silly. I am loving it!

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There are some twists to this crush though. The biggest twist is he is a vanilla boy, or at least that is what I am ass/u/ming. He is someone I have known for a long time as a casual acquaintance, married, with kids. Turns out he is now divorced an co-parenting.

I thought about setting him up with one of my single girlfriends, but I never made it around to that. I was reading in an email about something that he is involved in that I am really passionate about (Coincidence? I think not!) so I emailed him that he needs me for this project and we should meet. He replied promptly and we set up a time. Nice.

Now I had no intention of “crushing” on him when I first sent the email. I was looking forward to hearing about the project and finding out how I could plug in. Truly.

We met and I talked his ear off about my past experiences with the subject matter at hand. Then we started to get personal after the business was taken care of. Talked about kids, relationships, life in general. It was great. Conversations between two trained therapists is usually a very positive give and take.

I left our quick meeting feeling a little twitterpated. Of course I wanted to blurt out, “Oh yeah, by the way, I am in an open marriage!!!” But, Mz Mild, being WAY too shy,  I restrained myself quite professionally.

I sat on my feelings until the next day when I was visiting one of my nearest and dearest and I blurted out about my new crush. I went on and on about the whole conversation in an innocent yet animated way~ making us both laugh. But the question came up, how do you out yourself to people about being in an open marriage?

I have no fucking idea~ Really…. Especially since I am just now tiptoeing out of my deeply entrenched mild state of being. It is like the first rays of morning sun, shinning on my heart after my period of mourning.

So, what does my friend do? She grabs my phone and starts an email to him saying how nice it was to see him and looking forward to working with him….yayadayada… but not from my personal/professional email address. Instead she uses my AlphaSiren account and puts a link to my blog under it! I am mortified, stunned by her brazen move. A move that would be a drop in the bucket for me if I was in my wild mode, but for bashful mild~ it was almost too much. Almost.  I was actually the one to press send!!!

We both giggled like middle schoolers sending love notes. Holy shit.

He wrote back, appropriate and kind. He really is a great guy. I doubt he even noticed the address or the blog but it made me smile. We have some work planned in the next few weeks which is something to look forward to. I looked him up on facebook and realized that we are already friends and found his birthday. I am shameless. :-)

Then I knew I had to talk to my husband. Now, this is not our first rodeo, but we decided a long time ago that singles weren’t a good idea for us. So, I was a little nervous about bringing this “crush” to light and making it real by talking to him about it. Of course he was amazing, asking questions and actually shared my excitement a little bit.

It really is the coolest thing in the world to be able to tell your husband everything. He was genuinely supportive of me and I felt a little more relaxed after talking to him. I also told him that I doubt that anything would manifest from it, but I like to tell him things that are going on so there are no surprises. But then living with me, that is almost near to impossible!! LOL!

So, how do we approach this? Coming out to people about being in an open marriage? I am not sure. I am not even sure I want to. Maybe just having a crush from afar is enough for me.

Sigh~

Much love as always~

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A/s

Desperately Seeking Alphasiren

It’s been a while~

I was in bed talking to my husband the other night. We were talking about our open relationship dynamics and the last year of regrouping since our big break up with the couple we were seeing for almost a year. I was sad. Very sad. And I said to him,”When am I ever going to get over this?” His reply was like a cup of cold water in my face;

“I guess when you make up your mind to be over it.”

Ugh~ and in that moment I realized that he is right. I do have a choice. I have been choosing to be sad and mourn the loss of friends that were more than friends to me, I felt like they were becoming family. I have retreated deep into my mild side. Almost to the point of hurting our relationship.

We went on a date the other night with a great couple we have been seeing. We decided to go to the club that we haven’t been to since May of last year. I was nervous and felt like I was on pins and needles. When I am steeped in mild, it is hard for me to go out and take risks, like going to this type of club. We ended up having a great time with the other couple and many of my fears were alleviated.

Baby steps~

Now one of my nearest and dearest has presented the next step to reawakening my WILD Alphasiren. She wants me to take her to the sex club just the two of us so she can experience what it is like. Now I have been avoiding her request for a while. Nervous, timid, and shy mild is not a girl that goes to the sex club solo. In the past I have been the instigator in this, taking my friends out to places where they are pushing up against their edges, hard. So, this is a very interesting place to be.

Thankfully my St/Vk husband is supportive of me. Seriously, he is such a Rock Star man. Well, truly he wants my internal pendulum to swing back closer to WILD. He benefits greatly when I am more balanced and adventurous. :-)

So. I am pushing my self out of my cave. Life is too short and I want to be ready to adventure out again. My heart feels guarded. Big time guarded. I desperately do not want to be hurt again. I have a hard time separating sex and feelings and honestly, I don’t want to separate them. I am a lover. I am tender. But I am strong and resilient.

Time to dust off those red high heels~

A:S imageMuch love~ as always~

xoxox

A/s

2012 in review

What a year!! High emotions, broken hearts and healing. I am so looking forward to a new year of adventures with my St/Vk!!
Happy New Year!!!!!
Much love~
Xoxo
A/s

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 17,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 4 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Truth is~

Truth is I am searching for inspiration. Simple. Yet I am not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling steeped in a lukewarm mug of mild vanilla latte.

Sounds kinda funky, but there is a certain sweetness in the state of my life right now. A few dates here and there. Happiness with my amazing St/Vk. Deeply into the drama free zone of mild. Well.. that’s not completely accurate. My family is way too dynamic to be drama free. I am working harder than I ever have lately. More clients, more paperwork, much more responsibility. Truth is even if we were dating another couple we seriously would not have the time to see them. We met this great new couple about two months ago..(Yes, YOU TWO!!) and our schedules are so opposite it is almost comedic when we try to schedule time to see each other.

Hormones are wild. Hot flashes, low libido weird emotions. Loving the land of perimenopause! I have tried different ways to balance out and try to get my mojo going. There are glimpses, but nothing that would meet my high sex drive Scorpio’s needs. Sigh. I have tried Reiki. Not just for my libido, but to continue the healing from the break up at the beginning of the year. I am still sad about that. This is the place where my Pisces nature really drives me nuts. Get over them all ready, right? Easier typed than done I guess.

I have quite a few posts written on here that are just waiting for me to feel the time is right to press that publish button. Plus I don’t press that button with out a quick proof read by my main man!

So… what’s the answer? For me, right now it is self care. Self care on many levels. Spiritual, emotional, physical. I need to rejuvenate myself. I have been feeling a sense of emotional exhaustion and it is not going away.

I am heading to Maui~vacation~ inspiration~ Let’s see if that helps?

Love always~

xoxoxoxoxox

A/s

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The Great State of In Between

As unique as a finger print, so are the types of relationships two people create together. We are finding that no “defined group” captures what we want, what we are looking for in a relationship with others, outside of our open marriage. Somehow we have landed in the state of being in between. Not quite in the swinger world and not quite in the polyamorous universe. Very perplexing. It’s curious to me how the two styles of life do not jive well together.

Swingers, for the most part, steer clear of the heart connection. Poly people on the other hand talk about swingers, not with disdain, but a type of pity. I know I have experienced both feelings and it fascinates me that there are not more people like us……In between.

I was listening to a past podcast by Cooper and Ginger from Life On The Swingset (I highly recommend listening to them. They are great!) on the fine line between poly & swingers.
;http://www.lifeontheswingset.com/2810/ep-18-blurring-the-lines-between-polyamory-and-swinging-non-monogamy-cums-together/;

Both my St/Vk and I have listened to it, which is why I am writing on the topic now. We have both felt, at times, alienated from certain groups because of our tendencies to swing both ways. (that made me laugh!) And these feelings have stirred deep emotions in both of us. Do we have to choose one way of being? Why do people shy away when we talk about heart connection and relationships? And others shy away when we talk about one night stands?

How do we reconcile our preferences without scaring people off? Staying true to what we feel seems to be working for us so far. It goes beyond sexual preference, yet is very similar. I, typically, am not bi-sexual. Not too many women float my sexual boat. It’s the same way in relationships. I would not want to be in a “relationship” with everyone we meet. Some people we would just like to be vanilla friends with while a select few others we would like try out for sex (Feels a little weird even writing that down.) While the rare few we have met, we would like to have “more” with.
I know in the big picture we want more than sex. We want relationships and deep heart connections with one or two couples. But in the meantime… Do we just keep it open?
We have joined swinger sites and polyamorous sites to meet like minded people. I write about swinging and polyamory. Screening, weeding, sifting and sorting, looking for people that speak our relationship language. Searching for people that fit both of us just right.
Some times it feels impossible.
As if we are the only ones who feel like this.  I know that it’s not true.  I read other people’s poly & swinger blogs. See that others are experiencing the highs and lows of having an open marriage and know we are not unique. We’ve been close before to finding the perfect couple for us, but the puzzle pieces did not fit just right. Which was heart breaking. And made us seriously consider if this lifestyle was the right choice for our relationship.

We’ve come out on the other side, stronger and more clear that we want to maintain an open marriage. More capable of navigating that great state of in between. Open to possibilities. Ready for adventure.

Much love as always~

xoxoxoxoxoxoo

A/s

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How about this???

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Love this!

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Stolen from Facebook this morning. I think I will print and post everywhere!
Xoxox
A/s

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Happy Anniversary

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As the sun sets today, I want to shout out a quick Happy Anniversary to my St/Vk!!! Oh how I love you! Thank you for being the most wonderful husband and best friend!! Through all of our adventures, you really are AMAZING!
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Yours~
A/s

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